By Sarah Menke, MDiv, BCC
As the holidays approach, many of us may be visiting with family and friends we haven’t seen in a while. While visits and catching up are sources of joy and connection, they can also sometimes be a source of anxiety if you will be visiting with a loved one who is experiencing new or progressing memory loss. You may be anxious about how to interact with your loved one, perhaps anticipating what will have changed, how they will be, how you will handle it. If any of this connects with where you find yourself this holiday season, take heart and take a breath.
Perhaps the best thing to remember as you anticipate your upcoming visits is that your presence matters. Isolation is among the most common social and spiritual concerns those with memory loss and their caregivers face. Your presence in and of itself is already a gift.
And while we rest in that confidence of this truth, here are a few tips that may help you find your footing when visiting loved ones with memory loss over the next few months:
- Resist the urge to quiz and question. It can be tempting to ask questions like, "do you know who I am?" or "Where are we right now?", but doing so can sometimes raise the anxiety of your loved one with memory loss. Instead, offer information freely: "Hi Aunt Sue, it’s me, Holly!" or "It’s so good to be here at Catherine’s house with you, mom! Isn’t her living room beautiful?"
- Remember that individuals with memory loss can have a lowered ability to assert themselves in conversation. Offer a good pause when waiting for someone with memory loss to respond. While our impulse may be to keep talking or fill in perceived gaps, allow some time for your loved one to share whatever comes to mind. If it takes you in a different direction than the conversation was originally going, ride that wave and see where it takes you.
- Its ok to feel unsure about what's helpful, what to say, what to do. But don't let that uncertainty keep you from showing up.
- Have a few simple activities in mind. Knowing that conversation can be difficult for folks with memory loss, think about some other ways to share time together. Listening to Christmas hymns or looking at old pictures can provide meaningful opportunities for connection beyond words.
And finally, when in doubt, hold their hand. There is a true gift in an embodied presence. You—your flesh and bone, your breath abiding with your loved one matters. The road we walk with those who face memory loss is not easy. May you be met with grace as you navigate this journey with those you love.
Sarah Menke provides Chaplain services to enCircle staff.
